If you are expecting eloquent words and catchy phrases then prepare to be utterly and entirely disappointed. This is mearly a revelation; the kind you get while rinsing the shampoo out of your hair way too early in the morning. And might I add that thinking in the shower is a risky sort of business. It brings out all of my deepest wishes, hopes, and dreams; all of my greatest regrets, mistakes, and failures; all of the things I spend the rest of my day too busy to think twice about. Mostly what it comes down to is how selfish, entitled, and unappreciative I have become, or maybe have always been. My eyes are open to a new sort of ugly. How can I claim to appreciate Jesus' gift of life in his death, say I believe and except it, and still live the way I do? When have I ever really faught for something, anything? I feel I have been blind-folded my whole life to real truth, real work, real passion. I have been told that my passion for life is encouraging...what passion?!? When have I ever really wanted something bad enough that I had to work at it, the kind of work that takes blood, sweat and tears? Never. There are people, I would guess millions all over the world, that work themselves to the point of just that - blood, sweat, and tears. For all the hard things I have gone through, all the things I have been told I didn't deserve, or shouldn't have happened; those are just minor problems in comparison. I have not really worked at any thing in my life, not even my faithfulness to the Lord. When have I sought him and his will so earnestly that I spent hours on my knees asking for it, for Him, for anything?! I can't say that I recall many times with such a passion, discipline, or drive. I have subconsiously taken the easiest road my whole life, all the while thinking I was holy and mighty, traveling along the narrow path. "For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it." Yes, I do believe that was the road I was mistaking for narrow and difficult, that was most definitely the road I was on. And as a Christian I have often justified my thinking, often talked my way up and out of my mistakes, often reasoned thoroughly and unconvincingly for why or why not I made these easy choices. It's common in my generation to say that things aren't meant to be or they are impossible or won't work - without really seeking and praying and working to the point of sheer exhaustion, or humiliation, or humbled admiration. I say I want to live like Jesus but my heart, mind, and flesh have proved a very different story. This hard work and devotion isn't just stuff of the past, things of the bible. This is real passion, real authentic love for the Lord. Do you ever wonder, in the midst of a sin - a lie or a little guilty thing you do - that the Lord of the heavens too was tempted just the same, and yet he faught with all of His strength and the strength given by our Father to overcome it? Have you ever thought that He spent hours in prayer, days in prayer, for the will of God, for the desires of his heart, to become reality? Ahhh, how selfish and stupid I am. To thought that because other 'good' Christians or most of the Western world didn't have to work and fight and die for things than surely I don't either. What light and example am I showing by giving in and giving up? Certainly not an image that reflects the Lord. May this be a testiment of change. From a heart of surrender to the things of this world into a heart of surrender to God's will. From a mind that gives up before I have saught the Lord with ALL that I am and ALL that I can to one that will sweat blood to see His mission lived out. From a spirit of acceptence of my short comings and sin to one that will fight, fight till I die, to proclaim the name of God and allow the Holy Spirit to move in me. Please, my brothers and sistes, I beg of you - hold me accountable to my actions, my little failures, my mean words and selfish wants. Call me out and break my pride. I welcome you honesty, for in it there is growth.
Isaiah 43:19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.