If you are expecting eloquent words and catchy phrases then prepare to be utterly and entirely disappointed. This is mearly a revelation; the kind you get while rinsing the shampoo out of your hair way too early in the morning. And might I add that thinking in the shower is a risky sort of business. It brings out all of my deepest wishes, hopes, and dreams; all of my greatest regrets, mistakes, and failures; all of the things I spend the rest of my day too busy to think twice about. Mostly what it comes down to is how selfish, entitled, and unappreciative I have become, or maybe have always been. My eyes are open to a new sort of ugly. How can I claim to appreciate Jesus' gift of life in his death, say I believe and except it, and still live the way I do? When have I ever really faught for something, anything? I feel I have been blind-folded my whole life to real truth, real work, real passion. I have been told that my passion for life is encouraging...what passion?!? When have I ever really wanted something bad enough that I had to work at it, the kind of work that takes blood, sweat and tears? Never. There are people, I would guess millions all over the world, that work themselves to the point of just that - blood, sweat, and tears. For all the hard things I have gone through, all the things I have been told I didn't deserve, or shouldn't have happened; those are just minor problems in comparison. I have not really worked at any thing in my life, not even my faithfulness to the Lord. When have I sought him and his will so earnestly that I spent hours on my knees asking for it, for Him, for anything?! I can't say that I recall many times with such a passion, discipline, or drive. I have subconsiously taken the easiest road my whole life, all the while thinking I was holy and mighty, traveling along the narrow path. "For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it." Yes, I do believe that was the road I was mistaking for narrow and difficult, that was most definitely the road I was on. And as a Christian I have often justified my thinking, often talked my way up and out of my mistakes, often reasoned thoroughly and unconvincingly for why or why not I made these easy choices. It's common in my generation to say that things aren't meant to be or they are impossible or won't work - without really seeking and praying and working to the point of sheer exhaustion, or humiliation, or humbled admiration. I say I want to live like Jesus but my heart, mind, and flesh have proved a very different story. This hard work and devotion isn't just stuff of the past, things of the bible. This is real passion, real authentic love for the Lord. Do you ever wonder, in the midst of a sin - a lie or a little guilty thing you do - that the Lord of the heavens too was tempted just the same, and yet he faught with all of His strength and the strength given by our Father to overcome it? Have you ever thought that He spent hours in prayer, days in prayer, for the will of God, for the desires of his heart, to become reality? Ahhh, how selfish and stupid I am. To thought that because other 'good' Christians or most of the Western world didn't have to work and fight and die for things than surely I don't either. What light and example am I showing by giving in and giving up? Certainly not an image that reflects the Lord. May this be a testiment of change. From a heart of surrender to the things of this world into a heart of surrender to God's will. From a mind that gives up before I have saught the Lord with ALL that I am and ALL that I can to one that will sweat blood to see His mission lived out. From a spirit of acceptence of my short comings and sin to one that will fight, fight till I die, to proclaim the name of God and allow the Holy Spirit to move in me. Please, my brothers and sistes, I beg of you - hold me accountable to my actions, my little failures, my mean words and selfish wants. Call me out and break my pride. I welcome you honesty, for in it there is growth.
Isaiah 43:19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

More than a title.

While the wind screams at my windows and tempts the house to topple over I will try my best to explain this blog's name. Let me start with the second half. Novation. At first I really just liked the sound of it. But then I looked up what it meant and well, it just sort of fit.
Novation: The substitution of a new contract for an old one.
The definition continues on with "In the case of a novation, the original debtor is totally released from the obligation, which is transferred to someone else." This is the story of redemption wrapped up in a neat little official-sounding sentance. This It is the story of creation. Our story. We couldn't handle our obligation of tending to the garden, we failed through sin, and God redeemed us. We didn't have what it took so he took it all. Is novation also another word for love? I'd like to think so. And so this blog is yet another example of how one human could not handle her obligations (me) so someone revised the contract and took the responsibility that was for too much for her to carry (Jesus).
Render: To yield; to return; to give again.
This is my render, the giving back of a life that I only seem to make a mess of. It's humbling the way God can teach us with such simple things as two little words. When I decided to start this blog I didn't have some complex plan in mind, I am far too simple for those sort of thoughts. I just wanted to write, I felt the Spirit leading me to do so. And this was the first lesson He taught me. That He can teach me however comlex or simply He chooses. Even through a blog title. This is my Rendered Novation. My returning of a life that I cannot handle alone. The giving up and the laying down. Maybe along the way you will see my mistakes, flaws, and lessons and God will teach you through it, too.

But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life
1 Timothy 1:16

An ungraceful beginning

I wanted to start this off by writing something clever and funny, something that would draw you in and will you to keep reading. But I'm too tired for pretty words and witty remarks. I'm too exhausted to think up elequent ways to spill my deepest thoughts. I would love to believe that a good night's rest would rid me of this feeling, but alas I know this will hardly make a difference. It isn't a good nights rest that can cure this dragging, lagging, one-step-behind sort of feeling. If not sleep then what you ask? It's the rest that only the Father can provide. It's the renewing of hearts and spirits. But you already knew that, didn't you? So did I. And why then do I not go running to His feet daily, resting in His love and mercy? Because even though I know He loves me, sometimes I just don't believe it. How dare I utter such a thing. "And you call yourself a Christian?" That's what you're thinking, isn't it? Me too. And that brings on the reason further that keeps me from the foot of the cross. Shame. Shame that I feel for doubting his love. It's not him I doubt, it's me. Why would a God so big and great, with daughters much more deserving of love than I, choose me? Love me? Want me? Even though I know his promises are true and his love for me is real I often feel too unworthy to accept it. Now here I am trying to dust myself off and clean myself up to be worthy enough to enter his presence, to accept his love. Talk about setting impossible goals. Maybe you've never been here before, never felt this fear that you would bring yourself to Him and find him not wanting. But, if you are like me; stuck in between this awestruck of glory and fear of rejection, then may we both humble ourselves and take our fearful hearts to the one who won't relent, who never gives up, who takes us in our shameful messy state and loves us just the same.

I took my troubles to the LORD; I cried out to him, and he answered my prayer.
- Psalm 120:1

Oh yeah, and an explanation of the blog title is coming soon. :)