Never Do Enough

For so long I have read the right verses, prayed with sincerity, saught with such diligence, served where I could, and tried so hard to be good enough. But I just wasn't getting it and I couldn't figure out why. What aren't I doing? Where am I failing? What am I doing wrong? Why am I not enough? I have been asking these questions since I was little. It's taken me 21 years and so many hopeless, hard, lonely stretches of time to figure out that my answer was in my question all along. It's not me. I spent so long knowing all the right answers and trying to earn my salvation anyway. I knew in my head that the Lord died for my sins, that His blood covers all, that He loves me beyond measure, but I didn't truly believe that in my heart. I just couldn't accept it. And Satan knew that. He used that lie against me and robbed me of joy, he spoke lies into my life from the very beginning. And I believed him. I remember being six years old and laying awake silently crying in bed. Crying out to God, asking Him 'why?' Why aren't I good enough? Why doesn't anyone love me? And I spent so many more nights crying out those same questions. I grew up with a mother who never knew the Lord. She was so sick with alcoholism and so lost in her sin and couldn't really love me. She tried, I know she wanted to, but she just didn't know how. And that rooted sin, all those rooted lies and issues she struggled with were given to me. And I welcomed them with open arms. I was six years old, still a baby, I didn't know at the time. I didn't realize that the depression, the anxiety, the eating disorders, the abuse, and the fight to earn your way out of it was something that could be passed down. But oh, can it ever. I spent far too many days and nights wondering why I felt like this, why I struggled with these problems. What did I do to have so much darkness surrounding me from childhood? I think there are sins you commit, you choose. And I think there is such a thing as rooted sin. Sin that your parents, or people in your family struggled with that gets passed onto you. My grandmother passed it to my mother, and to my aunt. And it got passed down to me. I thought all this time it was something wrong with me, something I had done to have all these struggles, to be so clearly attacked. And I spent my life trying to hide it. Wondering what was wrong with me. Thinking that if I told someone, if someone found out how I felt or what I was going through then I truly would be alone, not worth loving. That if someone found out they would think I was too broken. So I tried to earn my worth. I tried to do enough and say enough to make others believe I was good, was worth loving. I tried to pray enough, read enough, volunteer enough, love enough, work enough, help enough. I thought that works could cover up my hurt. I continued throught my childhood and teenage years to seek Him and ask for His healing. To seek forgiveness and clearity and strength. I prayed and prayed. I did have joy and happiness in my life. I never walked away from Him. But I knew there was always something keeping me distanced from Him. And that was lies. All the lies I had been believing, all the struggles I had been hiding, and all the walls I had been building to protect myself from others finding out. But until I realized they were lies I couldn't find healing from them. I have spent so long feeling so alone in my struggle. Wanted so deperately for someone to recognize my pain and come and save me. Wondering why I wasn't worth saving. And all along I had a Savior desperate for me, who already saved me. Who knew my struggles, the abuse I had been through, and loved me. I could know all of this and still struggle every day with it. Because until I accepted His grace and forgiveness I couldn't begin to heal and discover who I was in Him. I often believed the lies that satan spoke into my life. That others around also spoke into my life. That I am not enough. That I am not worth loving. That my sins or my struggles have made me too blemished and scarred, no God-fearing, holy man will want me after all I have been through, after all I have done. But in order to be changed, to be fulfilled, to live in light of His glory you have to accept His gift; His grace. There are so many times that the Holy Spirit worked in my life, so many times I felt His presence and love in my life. But there are also so many times that the blanket of those lies satan has continued to tell me kept me from feeling God's presence and knowing my worth in Him. Works will never be enough, they will never fulfill you or give you worth. Stop believing the lies others tell you, the lies Satan speaks over you. It robs joy and steals so much precious time the Lord wants to use you in. Allow Christ to use your past to glorify Him. Rest in His presence, seek His truth, and live in light of His grace and love. Only there will you find worth, meaning, and reason to live. In grace we find peace and joy. "The first step in finding strength is to be honest about your weakness." "You can't truly rest until every area in your life rests in God." AW Tozer "Depart from me, all you workers of evil, for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord accepts my prayer." (Psalm 6v8-9) "What has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel." (Phil. 1v12) "For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." (2 Corinthians 3v17)