Never Do Enough

For so long I have read the right verses, prayed with sincerity, saught with such diligence, served where I could, and tried so hard to be good enough. But I just wasn't getting it and I couldn't figure out why. What aren't I doing? Where am I failing? What am I doing wrong? Why am I not enough? I have been asking these questions since I was little. It's taken me 21 years and so many hopeless, hard, lonely stretches of time to figure out that my answer was in my question all along. It's not me. I spent so long knowing all the right answers and trying to earn my salvation anyway. I knew in my head that the Lord died for my sins, that His blood covers all, that He loves me beyond measure, but I didn't truly believe that in my heart. I just couldn't accept it. And Satan knew that. He used that lie against me and robbed me of joy, he spoke lies into my life from the very beginning. And I believed him. I remember being six years old and laying awake silently crying in bed. Crying out to God, asking Him 'why?' Why aren't I good enough? Why doesn't anyone love me? And I spent so many more nights crying out those same questions. I grew up with a mother who never knew the Lord. She was so sick with alcoholism and so lost in her sin and couldn't really love me. She tried, I know she wanted to, but she just didn't know how. And that rooted sin, all those rooted lies and issues she struggled with were given to me. And I welcomed them with open arms. I was six years old, still a baby, I didn't know at the time. I didn't realize that the depression, the anxiety, the eating disorders, the abuse, and the fight to earn your way out of it was something that could be passed down. But oh, can it ever. I spent far too many days and nights wondering why I felt like this, why I struggled with these problems. What did I do to have so much darkness surrounding me from childhood? I think there are sins you commit, you choose. And I think there is such a thing as rooted sin. Sin that your parents, or people in your family struggled with that gets passed onto you. My grandmother passed it to my mother, and to my aunt. And it got passed down to me. I thought all this time it was something wrong with me, something I had done to have all these struggles, to be so clearly attacked. And I spent my life trying to hide it. Wondering what was wrong with me. Thinking that if I told someone, if someone found out how I felt or what I was going through then I truly would be alone, not worth loving. That if someone found out they would think I was too broken. So I tried to earn my worth. I tried to do enough and say enough to make others believe I was good, was worth loving. I tried to pray enough, read enough, volunteer enough, love enough, work enough, help enough. I thought that works could cover up my hurt. I continued throught my childhood and teenage years to seek Him and ask for His healing. To seek forgiveness and clearity and strength. I prayed and prayed. I did have joy and happiness in my life. I never walked away from Him. But I knew there was always something keeping me distanced from Him. And that was lies. All the lies I had been believing, all the struggles I had been hiding, and all the walls I had been building to protect myself from others finding out. But until I realized they were lies I couldn't find healing from them. I have spent so long feeling so alone in my struggle. Wanted so deperately for someone to recognize my pain and come and save me. Wondering why I wasn't worth saving. And all along I had a Savior desperate for me, who already saved me. Who knew my struggles, the abuse I had been through, and loved me. I could know all of this and still struggle every day with it. Because until I accepted His grace and forgiveness I couldn't begin to heal and discover who I was in Him. I often believed the lies that satan spoke into my life. That others around also spoke into my life. That I am not enough. That I am not worth loving. That my sins or my struggles have made me too blemished and scarred, no God-fearing, holy man will want me after all I have been through, after all I have done. But in order to be changed, to be fulfilled, to live in light of His glory you have to accept His gift; His grace. There are so many times that the Holy Spirit worked in my life, so many times I felt His presence and love in my life. But there are also so many times that the blanket of those lies satan has continued to tell me kept me from feeling God's presence and knowing my worth in Him. Works will never be enough, they will never fulfill you or give you worth. Stop believing the lies others tell you, the lies Satan speaks over you. It robs joy and steals so much precious time the Lord wants to use you in. Allow Christ to use your past to glorify Him. Rest in His presence, seek His truth, and live in light of His grace and love. Only there will you find worth, meaning, and reason to live. In grace we find peace and joy. "The first step in finding strength is to be honest about your weakness." "You can't truly rest until every area in your life rests in God." AW Tozer "Depart from me, all you workers of evil, for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord accepts my prayer." (Psalm 6v8-9) "What has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel." (Phil. 1v12) "For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." (2 Corinthians 3v17)

Save me from myself

When bad things happen and just keep happening. When good things are lost and can't ever seem to be found. When you are so overwhelmed you can't seem to find air. When the life that's grown up around you is ripped from the roots and left dead in the past. It's in those times of desperation that we plead with God. We reason with Him. We try to make bargains to get what we want. "If you could just do this one thing for me then I promise I'll change, I'll love you more, I'll pray more, I'll read my bible everyday." Sound familiar? But when we pray and plead and ask and seek and cry out for help and don't get what we want, then what? We get angry, bitter, and prideful. How could God not answer my prayers? I thought He loved me. How could God do this to me? The bible says "Seek and you shall find, ask and it will be given." So why didn't I get what I asked for? We start to question God's love for us, His promises, His truth. We get bitter towards Him for allowing this suffering. I am the guiltiest of these. I can remember being six and seven years old and laying awake at night asking God "Why do you let this happen to me, what did I do so wrong?" That question has been rooted into the being of all that I am through all of these years. Up until last fall when my family fell apart and I started seeing everyone around me asking the same thing, only then did I even fully recognize it for what it was. One day it hit me like a ton of bricks. Why? Who am I to ask the God of creation, the King over everything, the maker of life, why?!? I can do nothing good without Him and I have the gull to ask Him why He didn't answer my last pleading request in the manner and time frame that I wanted. Huh?!? If we believe in Jesus, if we trust that God is who He says He is then we have to believe all of Him, not just that parts that fit us, and not just on our time. He promises to satisfy all our desires with only good things, how often in our times of mourning and desperation do we truly believe that? How often are we thanking God in those times? How often do we have joy and peace in those times? I think for most of us the answer isn't the right one. I continually have to thank the Lord that he exposed this sinful nature in me and daily repent of it. How good is He to open my eyes to this, to break my pride, to set me free. Recognizing our sin is the only way to rid it from us. May we find ourselves asking God "Why did you create me so healthly, why don't I have to suffer with this ailment or that hardship?" Because this question makes much more sense. Who are we to be deserving two hands and legs that work or two eyes that see when so many cannot? I certainly did nothing good to deserve such a blessing as a healthy functioning body. I pray that we thank God for the things He does give us, that we pray for Him to show us how we are to use those gifts and bless others with them. We can spend all of our energy and time asking God why me and live in self pity or we can pick up our broken selves, bring them to the foot of the cross, and ask God to use what He has gifted us with. Don't blame God for the hardships and trials, thank Him for the very breath He gave you to breathe through them.

If you are expecting eloquent words and catchy phrases then prepare to be utterly and entirely disappointed. This is mearly a revelation; the kind you get while rinsing the shampoo out of your hair way too early in the morning. And might I add that thinking in the shower is a risky sort of business. It brings out all of my deepest wishes, hopes, and dreams; all of my greatest regrets, mistakes, and failures; all of the things I spend the rest of my day too busy to think twice about. Mostly what it comes down to is how selfish, entitled, and unappreciative I have become, or maybe have always been. My eyes are open to a new sort of ugly. How can I claim to appreciate Jesus' gift of life in his death, say I believe and except it, and still live the way I do? When have I ever really faught for something, anything? I feel I have been blind-folded my whole life to real truth, real work, real passion. I have been told that my passion for life is encouraging...what passion?!? When have I ever really wanted something bad enough that I had to work at it, the kind of work that takes blood, sweat and tears? Never. There are people, I would guess millions all over the world, that work themselves to the point of just that - blood, sweat, and tears. For all the hard things I have gone through, all the things I have been told I didn't deserve, or shouldn't have happened; those are just minor problems in comparison. I have not really worked at any thing in my life, not even my faithfulness to the Lord. When have I sought him and his will so earnestly that I spent hours on my knees asking for it, for Him, for anything?! I can't say that I recall many times with such a passion, discipline, or drive. I have subconsiously taken the easiest road my whole life, all the while thinking I was holy and mighty, traveling along the narrow path. "For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it." Yes, I do believe that was the road I was mistaking for narrow and difficult, that was most definitely the road I was on. And as a Christian I have often justified my thinking, often talked my way up and out of my mistakes, often reasoned thoroughly and unconvincingly for why or why not I made these easy choices. It's common in my generation to say that things aren't meant to be or they are impossible or won't work - without really seeking and praying and working to the point of sheer exhaustion, or humiliation, or humbled admiration. I say I want to live like Jesus but my heart, mind, and flesh have proved a very different story. This hard work and devotion isn't just stuff of the past, things of the bible. This is real passion, real authentic love for the Lord. Do you ever wonder, in the midst of a sin - a lie or a little guilty thing you do - that the Lord of the heavens too was tempted just the same, and yet he faught with all of His strength and the strength given by our Father to overcome it? Have you ever thought that He spent hours in prayer, days in prayer, for the will of God, for the desires of his heart, to become reality? Ahhh, how selfish and stupid I am. To thought that because other 'good' Christians or most of the Western world didn't have to work and fight and die for things than surely I don't either. What light and example am I showing by giving in and giving up? Certainly not an image that reflects the Lord. May this be a testiment of change. From a heart of surrender to the things of this world into a heart of surrender to God's will. From a mind that gives up before I have saught the Lord with ALL that I am and ALL that I can to one that will sweat blood to see His mission lived out. From a spirit of acceptence of my short comings and sin to one that will fight, fight till I die, to proclaim the name of God and allow the Holy Spirit to move in me. Please, my brothers and sistes, I beg of you - hold me accountable to my actions, my little failures, my mean words and selfish wants. Call me out and break my pride. I welcome you honesty, for in it there is growth.
Isaiah 43:19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

More than a title.

While the wind screams at my windows and tempts the house to topple over I will try my best to explain this blog's name. Let me start with the second half. Novation. At first I really just liked the sound of it. But then I looked up what it meant and well, it just sort of fit.
Novation: The substitution of a new contract for an old one.
The definition continues on with "In the case of a novation, the original debtor is totally released from the obligation, which is transferred to someone else." This is the story of redemption wrapped up in a neat little official-sounding sentance. This It is the story of creation. Our story. We couldn't handle our obligation of tending to the garden, we failed through sin, and God redeemed us. We didn't have what it took so he took it all. Is novation also another word for love? I'd like to think so. And so this blog is yet another example of how one human could not handle her obligations (me) so someone revised the contract and took the responsibility that was for too much for her to carry (Jesus).
Render: To yield; to return; to give again.
This is my render, the giving back of a life that I only seem to make a mess of. It's humbling the way God can teach us with such simple things as two little words. When I decided to start this blog I didn't have some complex plan in mind, I am far too simple for those sort of thoughts. I just wanted to write, I felt the Spirit leading me to do so. And this was the first lesson He taught me. That He can teach me however comlex or simply He chooses. Even through a blog title. This is my Rendered Novation. My returning of a life that I cannot handle alone. The giving up and the laying down. Maybe along the way you will see my mistakes, flaws, and lessons and God will teach you through it, too.

But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life
1 Timothy 1:16

An ungraceful beginning

I wanted to start this off by writing something clever and funny, something that would draw you in and will you to keep reading. But I'm too tired for pretty words and witty remarks. I'm too exhausted to think up elequent ways to spill my deepest thoughts. I would love to believe that a good night's rest would rid me of this feeling, but alas I know this will hardly make a difference. It isn't a good nights rest that can cure this dragging, lagging, one-step-behind sort of feeling. If not sleep then what you ask? It's the rest that only the Father can provide. It's the renewing of hearts and spirits. But you already knew that, didn't you? So did I. And why then do I not go running to His feet daily, resting in His love and mercy? Because even though I know He loves me, sometimes I just don't believe it. How dare I utter such a thing. "And you call yourself a Christian?" That's what you're thinking, isn't it? Me too. And that brings on the reason further that keeps me from the foot of the cross. Shame. Shame that I feel for doubting his love. It's not him I doubt, it's me. Why would a God so big and great, with daughters much more deserving of love than I, choose me? Love me? Want me? Even though I know his promises are true and his love for me is real I often feel too unworthy to accept it. Now here I am trying to dust myself off and clean myself up to be worthy enough to enter his presence, to accept his love. Talk about setting impossible goals. Maybe you've never been here before, never felt this fear that you would bring yourself to Him and find him not wanting. But, if you are like me; stuck in between this awestruck of glory and fear of rejection, then may we both humble ourselves and take our fearful hearts to the one who won't relent, who never gives up, who takes us in our shameful messy state and loves us just the same.

I took my troubles to the LORD; I cried out to him, and he answered my prayer.
- Psalm 120:1

Oh yeah, and an explanation of the blog title is coming soon. :)